The stench of crime: Deo-heist in Forida sours

An armed robber was apprehended in Florida after a daring deo-raid on a drug store. The gunman brandished a weapon at an employee who pleaded for the safe return of the antiperspirant. Dogs and a helicopter where called in to track the sweaty perp. No word yet on the brand. More details here.

Process of Elimination: Episode 1

Process of Elimination is a podcast radio show mixed and produced by everyones' favorite East-German-cosmonaut-turned-fake-disk-jockey: Kool DJ Sigmund Jahn. The show is comprised of about 60 minutes of sound collage, mash-ups, bootlegs, freak-outs, jump-ups, ho-downs, spoken word, found sound, lost souls, field recordings, fields, and, if you listen at rush hour, traffic info and updates. It's kind of meant to sound like the radio would sound if the radio was, like, going through some really rough shit right now. New episodes will be put out every couple of months or so. I hope you're really happy.

Process of Elimination: Episode 1 - mp3

Playlist:
(Possibly not the most appropriate heading as many tracks are just very short clips, but life is full of challenges that are just too difficult and we will probably fail at most of them and feel bad about it all for a long time)
Billy Joel - I'm moving out
Lil' Weavah - My rims
Billy Joel - In the middle of the night
Unkie Dunkie the Balony Slicer - Mortimer
Arthur Stirling - An open letter to my teenage son
Eddie Safranski - Speedy Gonzalez
ATC - Around the world (La la la la la la)
Mikhail Glinka - Ruslan and Lyudmila
Jack van Impe - The coming war with Russia
Jordy - Dur dur d'être bébé
Mario Winans - I don't wanna know
Thompson Twins - If you were here
Youtube - 1960s LSD propaganda film
Picking up girls made easy - The street pick up
Gerardo - Rico Suave
James Last - Romance
Radio Moscow - Announcement
The Captain and Tenille - Do that to me one more time
Lil' Jon - Put your hood up
Marin Marais - A representative's visit
Gabor Szabo - Love theme from Spartacus
Oasis - The shock of the lightning
Jo Wiley (ft The Game) - Something old he did mayhem
Bekhudi - Khat maine tere naam
Omarion - Ice box
Viraasat - Dhol bajne laga
John Coltrane - Soul eyes
Daddy Yankee - Gasolina
R. D. Burman - Dil haye mera dil
Guitars of the Golden Triangle - Hopes and goals
The people of San Vito lo Capo
Duran Duran - Reach up for the sunrise
Hire Spensa - My style
Goran Brogovic - Cocek
Konono #1 - T.P. Couleur Café
Ted Berrigan - Sonnet 13
Barry Manilow - Copa Cabana
Black Rob - Like whoa
Arbeiter und Arbeiterinnen aus Berliner Betrieben und Orchester - Stalin, Freund, Genosse
Astro Age Steel Orchestra - Theme for happy living
Baby Huey and the Babysitters - Monkey man
Baccara - Sorry I'm a lady
Dr. Dobson & Susan Baker - Focus on the Family (Rock music lyrics special)
Sammy Hall - A funny thing happened on the way to hell (I got saved, saved, saved)
R. Kelly - You remind me of my jeep
H-Town Boys - Knockin the boots
Birgitta & Jonsi - Eg vil vera med ter
Radio Moscow - Apology

Triple threat hybrid action power!

Maverick scentmongers iMan have launched a new product line of hybrid "deo-bodysprays" that have stunned the antiperspirant mainstream into an embarrassed hush punctuated by the odd gurgled whimper. If you found that it was a hassle to: a) pick up a deodorant; b) take off the cap; c) wipe it on your armpit; d) do a smell-check; e) put the cap back on; f) put the deodorant down; g) pick up the body spray; h) take the cap off of the body spray; i) spray yourself with the body spray; j) do a smell-check; k) put the cap back on the bodyspray; l) put the bodyspray down, then you will probably be overjoyed at the prospect of skipping up to four of those steps by switching to one of iMan's innovative trio (all named after road hazards), and possibly even overlook the fact that this is essentially repackaged bathroom air freshener.

Popstar vs Babelfish 1

Hypothesis: Most song lyrics would be greatly improved by being automatically translated into a foreign language, and then back into English, by Babelfish.

Let's put it to the test and see what happens. Today we'll start will ever-popular soft-schlockster Chris Martin and his wonderful song "Careful where you stand", which I've chosen at random from a lyrics database and have never actually heard, but I'm pretty sure I know how it goes. Here is the original Chris Martin penned lyrical poetry:

I feel safe, I feel warm when you're here,
When I do no wrong,
I am cured, when I'm by your side.
I'm alright, alright.
I am safe, when I am with you,
And I feel warm, If you want me to,
I am cured, when I'm by your side.
I'm alright.
Careful where you stand, my love.
Careful where you lay your head.
It's true we're always looking out for one another.
I feel safe, when I am with you,
I feel warm, when you want me to,
I am cured when you are around.
I'm alright.
Careful where you stand, my love.
Careful where you lay your head,
It's true we're always looking out for one another.
So I'd like a quiet time please,
Yeah, I'd like a quiet time.
Careful where you stand,
Now, careful where you stand

Wow. Heavy stuff there. Babelfish will need to be on really fine form to top that magic. Let's plug it in to Babelfish and go in and out of French a few times and see what happens. (Hold on)

Oh, my lord of the dance! Babelfish looks to have pulled off the incredible. Check this out:

I feel in safety, I feel hot when you're here,
when I do not make any evil, I am cured,
when I'm by your side. I'm well, well.
I am sure, when I am with you,
and I feel hot, if you want me with, I am treated,
when I' m by your side.
I'm well of Mr. Soigneux where you are held, my love.
Careful where you prolong your head.
It's we truth; always glance about d'outside for others.
I feel in safety, when I am with you,
I feel hot, when you want me with,
I am treated when you are around.
I'm well of Mr. Soigneux where you are held, my love.
Careful where you prolong your head,
It's we; truth always glance about d'outside for others.
Thus I'd like a quiet time please,
Ouais, I'd like a quiet time.
Careful where you are held,
maintenant, careful where you are held.

It must be clear to anyone with any kind of intelligence that the Babelfish version is far superior. Babelfish has the ability to make use of a subtle turn of phrase which Mr Martin simply hasn't. Babelfish sculpts the language to create new and complicated meanings rather than merely selecting appropriate platitudes from the lost and found bin at Mopey Songwriter HQ. The line "I feel in safety" expresses much more than the cliche "I feel safe". When Babelfish says "Careful where you prolong your head" it actually causes us to consider those places in which we might have prolonged our heads recently, and deeply question whether we were attentive while doing so! Mr Martin's line "Careful where you stand" might as well be ambient noise by comparison. Finally, Babelfish makes reference to a "Mr. Soigneux", a personification of the very caution that it prescribes. This is a literary device that, if I may, pushes the very boundaries of songwriting. Boundaries which clearly cannot hold back the evident talent of Babelfish.

Pits of glory

This premium pit-wipe claims to smell like oak moss and Siamese ginger, which I imagine smell better than, say, cat urine, but who can really be sure (Siam doesn't exist, for one thing). It's a bit gastropub, and perhaps that's a good thing. As I naturally stink of line-gathered scallop roe in a loganberry jus served with locally-sourced baby new ramps and pan-fried Peruvian zucchini flowers, my ideal deodorant should be scented with oven-baked free-range prosciutto ham and spring-water rinsed gambas prawns mingled over hand-sliced ciabbata toastettes and drizzled with an artisinal pomegranate cordial reduction. So it's all cool with me.

How to prevent European children from starving

Empire of aerosol

Features:

1. Canisters can be laid below ground story window to foil cat-buglers.
2. Kills weeds at the root.
3. The cap can be adapted to measure precipitation.
4. It can be stood upright or laid on its side for easy storage.
5. Aspirational value.
6. Will make old, tarnished cutlery sparkle like brand new.
7. It's not literally a can of shit.

Planet X - More BBR Madness

Bastard Baby Records has released another compilation of nutso, left-field tuneage. The focus here is perhaps more downtempo and dubstepish, a bit abstract, spaced out. Wobbly basses, twisted synths, oddly syncopated drums and lots of smokey sound fields. Shit is crazy as a crazy person. And free.

Creeper (da buik Remix) mp3
Creeper (Forward Remix) mp3
Berzerker mp3

Click below to download the whole thang:
Planet X - V/A Bastard Baby Records

Arm & Hammer & Sickle

A utilitarian, no-nonsense antiperspirant deodorant invisible solid stick, probably marketed at invisible, solid, sticky people; people who, if given any choice in the matter, would forgo deodorant, oh that parasitic uniform of a society that withholds their natural right to smell of cheap French onion soup; people who had, perhaps, previously attempted to mask their underarm pong with dishwashing detergent and, feeling still unsatisfied with the results have finally succumbed to the ungodly deostick, but, by Jove, if they're going to smear something armpit-wards, it shall be markedly devoid of newfangled frou-frou; people so lost in careers that they feel their overall production capacity might make up for any odorific whiffs, and anyway, who in this crazy work-a-day-world has time to consider such idle niceties as not smelling like a wet, dying capybara, and, fine, if they must wear some deo, it's just to get ahead at work, and it comes in a package that looks kind of like some steroidal weight-gain product, which, funnily enough, causes me to sweat so much that I can't use doorknobs anymore.